Let's start from the beginning, I have a colicky baby. She screams for the majority of the day and the only break I get from holding her is at night when she goes to bed. I also have an anxiety disorder, that varies in intensity depending on where my hormones are. When I first got pregnant I had a full blown mental break down, I'm not proud of it, but it's something I have to own.
When I gave birth to Emma I felt pretty good, I was jittery but I thought nothing of it. I should have though, I knew the signs of my anxiety and I ignored them. I was just too damn happy to have my little one finally here. For the next few weeks I still felt kinda good, then I started to get anxious. I thought nothing of it because for the most part I could control it. And then I started crying at the small things, again I thought nothing of it. I thought that I could pull myself out on my own. I should have known better, but I was in denial. I guess that's pretty common when it comes to postpartum depression.
So instead of getting help early on, I let it build and build until I cracked. I now sit in a very dark place in my mind, that I'm having a very hard time pulling myself out of. It's kind of like a labyrinth, only I was a retard and dropped my golden thread about three miles back. So now I'm on a journey to find it again.
The words I would use to describe myself right now are, bad mom, worthless, ugly, useless, not worthy of love, and scared. Mostly scared. No one has said or done anything to make me feel this way, quite the contrary actually. But there is this little voice in my head that has taken over and is screaming at the top of it's lungs those exact things at me. I'm not quite sure where to turn at this point, I'm thinking about counseling but I don't know what type of counselor I should seek out. Right now I just feel the need to blog it out. To let everyone know where exactly my mind is sitting. I know that God is on my side, and that my wonderful family and friends are here for me always. For that I am truly grateful. I truly do love all of you, and I thank you so much for your support as I go through this trial. I will take all the advice I can get, and I will continue to seek out the help that I need. I know that things will get worse before they get better, but I know that eventually they will. As Shania Twain said "I'm going up!"
You are wonderful and i love you lots. It is very hard when a baby comes and it gets to all of us. It is ok to be feeling the way you are the important thing is that your asking for help to fix it. We are all here for you and love you to the moon and back. Keep blogging and talk to your doctor. They will find some thing to help with the depression and blogging will give you an outlet to people who care for you. Your in my prayers and I know god hears them. I love you lots
ReplyDeleteBecca - My heart hurts for you - I've been there, and it's a dark, ugly place. I could tell you that you are NOT a bad mom, you are NOT ugly, useless, or worthless, but I know that doesn't really help much when that little voice in your head is so loud.
ReplyDeleteHang on to the small things - one single moment that makes you smile, an hour of relaxation, even a few seconds when you forget you are sad...
And definitely seek help - you mentioned that you have made an appointment with your OB - tell him/her that you would like to get some help, but aren't sure what kind of counselor would be best, and ask what he/she thinks. Doctors are a great source for this kind of "intel" - they hear feedback from other patients about their experiences with docs in different specialties, and also hear through the medical "grapevine" as to whether another physician or specialist has a good reputation. Plus, being an OB, he/she should definitely have some experience with post-partum depression, and know of therapists who specialize in that area.
Another good source is your health insurance website - I was looking for a counselor a few years ago, and used the database on my insurance website. Most of the therapists fill out a form, where they list their areas of expertise (ex: depression, substance abuse, family/marital, etc), and you can search the database for a therapist who fits the bill. When I was looking, I also added a prayer to the web search, and asked God to be with me as I looked over the search results, and to "show" me which therapist was the right one. (He did!)
Once you do find someone, if after the first visit or two, you don't feel like you are "connecting" with him/her - DON'T give up! Therapists have different "styles", and it is important to find someone whose style works for you, and with whom you feel comfortable. Sometimes it takes a couple of "tries" to find that person, but it is WORTH the effort.
From what you have been saying on FB and above, it sounds like medication is definitely in order - at least for now. I would recommend that (in addition to counseling/therapy) you look into finding a psychiatrist who specializes in medication therapy. Not sure who is prescribing your antidepressants, but most of us get them from our family doc or OB/GYN, who usually prescribes the latest SSRI (Zoloft, Prozac, Celexa, Pristiq, etc). But when you have a more complex condition (severe depression, depression AND anxiety, etc), it is best to get help from someone who is an expert on these kinds of drugs - they can work with you to come up with the right "combination" to manage your moods.
I know that the idea of going on a "Therapist Hunt" can be overwhelming when you are struggling with depression - sometimes it's all you can do to get out of bed, much less take the time to pick up the phone and call a therapist, and then get dressed and GO to the therapist. This is where it helps to have a friend or family member who is supportive - ask THEM to help you with making the calls, doing the research, and holding you accountable for getting to the appointment.
Sorry to write a "novel", but like I said, I really feel for you, and have been down that road off and on for most of my life. Hopefully some of the info above will help - and I will definitely be praying for you!!!