I hate this

I hate that I always feel so scared. I hate that in my head I am screaming out and no one seems to get it. I hate that I live in this world of constant fear. I hate that I feel the need to cry every morning and that no matter what I do I shake and shake and shake and I can't stop. I hate knowing that people are there, and yet feeling as if no one is. I hate that I don't trust myself. I hate that I hate myself. I hate that I want my mom even though I know she won't be there for me. I hate not being able to explain to everyone how I feel and not being able to make them understand. I just hate this.

Please Don't Judge Me

Ok, so everyone has seen where I have been these last few days with my FB statuses, but I wanted to explain where my mind is because I need to get it out.

Let's start from the beginning, I have a colicky baby. She screams for the majority of the day and the only break I get from holding her is at night when she goes to bed. I also have an anxiety disorder, that varies in intensity depending on where my hormones are. When I first got pregnant I had a full blown mental break down, I'm not proud of it, but it's something I have to own.

When I gave birth to Emma I felt pretty good, I was jittery but I thought nothing of it. I should have though, I knew the signs of my anxiety and I ignored them. I was just too damn happy to have my little one finally here. For the next few weeks I still felt kinda good, then I started to get anxious. I thought nothing of it because for the most part I could control it. And then I started crying at the small things, again I thought nothing of it. I thought that I could pull myself out on my own. I should have known better, but I was in denial. I guess that's pretty common when it comes to postpartum depression.

So instead of getting help early on, I let it build and build until I cracked. I now sit in a very dark place in my mind, that I'm having a very hard time pulling myself out of. It's kind of like a labyrinth, only I was a retard and dropped my golden thread about three miles back. So now I'm on a journey to find it again.

The words I would use to describe myself right now are, bad mom, worthless, ugly, useless, not worthy of love, and scared. Mostly scared. No one has said or done anything to make me feel this way, quite the contrary actually. But there is this little voice in my head that has taken over and is screaming at the top of it's lungs those exact things at me. I'm not quite sure where to turn at this point, I'm thinking about counseling but I don't know what type of counselor I should seek out. Right now I just feel the need to blog it out. To let everyone know where exactly my mind is sitting. I know that God is on my side, and that my wonderful family and friends are here for me always. For that I am truly grateful. I truly do love all of you, and I thank you so much for your support as I go through this trial. I will take all the advice I can get, and I will continue to seek out the help that I need. I know that things will get worse before they get better, but I know that eventually they will. As Shania Twain said "I'm going up!"